I would say that in the last 3 months I've probably easily spent 180 hours with Jayden working on our relationship and building our skills together. I've seen MANY things improve in fact so many that I don't think I could list them here. I'm talking about improving skills in the area of lateral thinking and confidance that most people may not even consider or have land on their radar. Some are so minutia that no one would ever notice them while others are very visible.
This day however it seemed like not only was my confidant solid Level 2 (moving to Level 3) horse not there...the horse I had was the one I started with 3 months ago! WOW. That was an eye opener of sorts. It seemed like no matter what I did I was losing control of my emotions and perspective and it was going to hell in a handbasket pretty fast.
One thing Parelli has defnately taught me was how to be particular without being critical. I remember the first time Linda Green was out however and said this needed to be part of my aim in my sessions. I think I responded with "huh?" What it all boiled down to was not to get greedy.
Latelly I had been uping the ante on Jayden; really asking the most of him and myself that I ever had on the ground. I received a 45 foot line just after Christmas and kept looking at it and thinking when will I be good eough for that?
I think I was pushing so hard for perfection on the 22 foot line that he came out that day, thought I was being greedy - to which he resonately said "talk to the hoof!" - that's the polite way of putting it anyhow. At first I was so frustrated that I couldn't even hear what he was saying to me. I perceived him as emotional, overreactive and complety out of control on the ground. No matter what I did I could not bring the change through to my satisfaction.
Thankfully my good friend was present during my meltdown and pointed me to an article in this month's Savvy Times that really helped me get some perspective. It's written by Teri Sprague and it's called The Joy of Conscious Incompetence - what an eye opener! Her article mentions the Steps of Change: Denial, Blame, Anger, Chaos.
On this day I whizzed past blame and anger and went straight to chaos! As I sat melting down in my wash rack all I could think of was the hours spent with my horse and what I had possibly done to ruin the respect and rapport I had worked so hard for. I overanalyzed it until my brain hurt.
Terri's article was something that really opened my eyes. I swear she wrote that article just for me! She talked about a session she had with her mare and Linda Parelli that started her out on a steep learning curve journey. Terri wrote..."the challenge was not so much what was happening with me and my horse, but what going on in my mind. My thoughts kept getting in my way. Instead of feeling for my horse when she presented confusing behavior, I got wrapped up in blaming myself for her past and doubting my future."
The learning curve is represented on the graphic chart that Terri believes shows the Horseman's Journey. A journey that rather than being puntuated by peaks and valley (which is what it FEELS like) is really punctuated by a slighly upward line and steep climbs that eventually level off.
It TOTALLY blew me away. At the times when we feel the lowest of the low, we are on the steep climb to the top and making the most progress.
After calming down and letting go of some of the pent up frustration I had, I went to my overflowing mailbox and brought in a ton of mail. After sifting through the pile a package was revealed and my heart started to pound. I opened it to find my Level 1 Red Savvy String and Certificate from Pat. Official recognition of the hard work, love and patience that I had put into my journey with my horse.
In that moment, my eyes moved to the collage that I'm putting together of many of my horse moments that are precious to me. Amongst them is the Level 2 Online Certificate Pat emailed me after passing Level 2 Online in January of this year. I remembered then how far I've really come and heard my friend Beth's supportive words from earlier that day... "you inspire me" in the back of my mind.
What it means to have that string is that I have learned, loved, climbed, grown, had success, experienced defeat and failure and that I am firmly in a place of Conscious Incompetence - always seeking that which I know I do not know. I will never give up.
"Failure is only the opportunity to more intelligently begin again."